The festive period approaches when we old-fashioned gels are stirring our Christmas puddings and leaving copies of Tatler lying around, artfully left open, comme par hasard, at the Cartier adverts. You party animals in the office will certainly be planning your departmental Christmas lunches, so here are a few suggestions of eminently suitable (or perhaps not) venues for your festive get-together.
Dom Polski
This is the perfect place for a departmental Christmas lunch, and comes highly recommended by the head of Management Section. It is situated in Saska Kępa, across the river, thereby making going back to the office quite out of the question, a capital excuse for stretching the meal out all afternoon. The golonkas are very hearty, and the Hennessy VSOP after-dinner snifter is not to be missed, a snip at around 70 zlotys a mouthful. And a mouthful is what you’ll get from the boss when he sees the bill.Malinowa
The restaurant of the Bristol Hotel is a particularly appropriate place for a British Embassy knees-up, being re-opened as it was by Mrs Thatcher. Your boss will be delighted to treat you to a small pre-prandial Zywiec or two at a mere 25 zlotys a throw, before moving into the main dining room for a feast of kings. After your meal, don’t miss the 50-year-old vodka at 109 zlotys, it tastes horrible but will clear your catarrh in a trice and take the enamel off your teeth in the process. The boss won’t like it much either.
Fukier
This restaurant owned by the increasingly OTT Magda Gessler is a feast for the eyes, candlelight reflected in polished wood and shiny silver, fruit and flowers cascading over antique furniture …. and that’s just the cloakroom. The waiters are extremely professional but a tad on the stuffy side, so if you must sing rugby songs after your lunch, try and bleep out the rude words. The rolled beef with Lithuanian blue potato dumplings is excellent, although the dumplings are disappointingly potato-coloured. If you want to be treated like a baby, order the beef tenderloin which comes on a little tray, and the waiter will tie a large bib around your neck. (For an extra 10 zlotys he’ll spoon-feed you at the table and burp you afterwards). “Fukier” sounds a bit like what your boss will say when he/she gets the bill.
Belweder
This, heads of section, is how to show your staff you really appreciate them. Situated in Łazienki Park, the old orangerie is a masterpiece of Victorian elegance, with its huge glass canopy and profusion of potted palms. All that’s missing is the string quartet. To say the service is attentive is an understatement: the ratio is roughly three and a half waiters to each guest. To enter into the spirit of the place you should all go dressed as characters from an Agatha Christie murder mystery. Your head of section will want to murder all of you anyway when the bill arrives.
Casa Valdemar
Another establishment of La Gessler, who is turning into the Starbucks of Warsaw high-end eateries. If you like the idea of a Mediterranean Christmas, the cooking here is Spanish – and I don’t mean Benidorm. A slice of Spanish cured ham is reputed to cost 35 zlotys, which will rattle your boss’s castanets! If you want to see him/her dance the flamenco, order a la carte and have a couple of cognacs to wash it down.
Rodizio El Toro
If you have a majority of vegetarians in your section, count this one out. It’s on a vaguely Brazilian theme, although the swarthy waiters don’t appear to speak a word of Portuguese. The set menu costs 90 zlotys, and you’ll get an endless stream of meat served off swords and other dangerous weapons by waiters in very silly hats, all very festive. The wine is good value and comes by the bucketload, so if you want to soften up the boss for a pay rise, this could be the place. Take photographs to help him/her remember promises made over dinner.
London Steak House
I have yet to meet a British person (or other nationality for that matter) who has dared to set foot in this dreary-looking establishment. However, I’m sure that on request they would be happy to provide a typical menu from 1970’s Britain (when steak houses were last popular in London): prawn cocktail or fruit juice to start, followed by either rump steak (well done) or mixed grill, served with chips, frozen peas, grilled mushrooms and grilled tomatoes; and for dessert black forest gateau washed down by Cona coffee and an After Eight mint. You should be driven there in a Ford Capri with furry seat covers. But be warned: after a sambucca or two, the boss might suggest a return to 1970’s salary levels. If this happens, call a wildcat strike.
Tandoor Pałac
For a truly British experience, the Tandoor Palace takes some beating. Mr Singh, the jolly host with the huge turban, will be happy to serve you traditional English Christmas fare such as naan bread, vegetable biryani or chicken vindaloo. Sing along to your favourite Christmas carols such as “Apuni alu ding dong” and hits from Bollywood musicals, and after a few pints of Shepherd Neame’s excellent Kingfisher Indian lager (brewed in Shropshire) you can conga back to the office singing Hare Krishna all the way. But hey, it’s cheap.
And, wherever you go, do have a super Wigilia and New Year and don’t go anywhere without the Rennies.
